January 18, 2003 + 4:02 pm
listening to: fu manchu - california crossing.
currently reading: kill kill faster faster - joel rose.
mood : depressed. and broke. really broke.

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hmmmmm. so how is everyone else out there doing? i am abso-bloody-lutely horrible. i am about as close to going out of business as possible. i can't even imagine right now that there will be a time i look back and say "i can't belive how bad 2002/2003 was." i feel like there's no way i'll be able to tread water until that day.

i am trying SO FUCKING HARD to be optimistic and wait this shit out. i really am trying. with evry ounce of my soul. but i am drowning in bills i can't pay, and faced with the prosect of no money rolling in until god knows when. 2 nights ago, i was sitting crosslegged on the floor of my living room, drinking bailey's on the rocks, listening to IMPETUS by clutch. when all else fails me i can always count on neil fallon to growl in my ear and give me encouragement. everything's gonna be alright. it never fails, he's like my prophet. ok, so i'm listening to where he says:

i will not relent.

i will not relent.

i will not relent.

i. am. driven.

and it's like he's counselling me, like he wrote that just for me, and i *can* keep going until the economy gets better. and i feel on top of the world. i've got drive like a pennsylvania sunday in the fall. but then i come into work and sit here and try (feebly) to smile at people when they walk through the door, and after the 25th effing customer walks out without buying anything at all you just want to close up shop and go home and cry. i just want one person to be able to empahsize with how that feels.

if i do have to close my store i plan to write lame-ass HOT TOPIC a letter and say thanks. thanks a lot. you've succeeded in putting yet *another* independent punk rock store out of business. hot topic, i've decided, is like the WALMART of alternative culture. think about it.

- borntokill x

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