August 28, 2003 + 5:12 pm
listening to: the cripples.
currently reading: nothing, but i can't wait for the new martin amis book
cake or death? cake..........

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well i haven't written a thing in a while. i'm too confused trying to sort out my life and even though just getting on here and rambling non-sensically sometimes helps...... i haven't even been able to put my thoughts together.

the cheats are playing with the epoxies up the street at 7 so as soon as i lock the frikkin door here i will stroll up with todd to get drunk. DRUNK!! really really fucking drunk and then i will not think about any stupid aspects of my silly silly life. mmmmmmmmmm i think i will start early; i've got a six pack of HARP in the back room. now is as good a time as any.

lalalalala. ok so whats on the plate today? i can't continue this relationship with michael. i didn't realize until just the other day, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. all of my indecision just made sense for the first time. i am totally leading him on. 1/2 because i AM undecided. 1/2 because i think with enough time i will start to..... feel. i think i am just dead inside. i have no feelings, even though i really really WISH i did. it's not fair to him. i am so closed off i can't even see why he wants to be with me. i give him nothing. no affection, no soft purrs. i haven't verbalized any feelings or emotions the entire 2 months i've been with him. he's too accepting. he just shrugs and says, that's just her way. and he's fine with it. like the character in THE STRANGER i sit in silence and concentrate on physical details, the minutia of my surroundings. because i feel nothing. it's kind of scary really. i can have sex with him 5 nights in a row but never offer a single kiss. who in their right mind would put up with that???????

i've been viewing myself as a black hole with a really shiny exterior.

- borntokill x

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