2002-12-25 + 3:06 p.m.

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well it's x-mas day and this is my first official entry. not counting all the screw-ups from last night, just trying to get this damn journal set up to my specs. too much of a perfectionist!! i am sooooo relieved that all the holiday stress is finally over. retail sucks.

i used to keep journals, years ago; they are so freakin' ridiculous when i go back and read them now but i guess that's what your early 20's are all about............ i guess i'm starting again because i really just need to VENT sometimes and it seems like noone can really be bothered to just hear you out once in a while. i don't know. they say keeping a journal is therapeutic. we'll see.

anyway, not doing a THING today. nothing. slept till almost 1 but i really needed it. worked just about every waking hour, literally, the entire month. noone understands that. it's frustrating as hell. i hate when you just want to bitch and people don't really *listen* as much as just say, yeah, i know, me too...... when their idea of working round the clock is making phone calls all day, taking smoke breaks, leaving work at 6, and not having to think about it again until the next day. it's NOT the same situation. but they honestly feel that they are empathizing with you. i listen to people bitch all the time. gladly! but they never want to hear it from you. i'm self-employed so sometimes i never even get all my work done and i can't literally walk away at the end of my *shift* and leave work behind. it's midnight and i'm still running over and over in my mind the phone calls i didn't get to make, the orders i need to place the next day, etc etc etc... few people really understand that. so yeah, i'm not doing a single thing today. not touching my website, not checking my ebay. nothing.

talked to ***** on the phone last night. he comes and goes. he's an ex that i consider(?) a friend but sometimes i feel like he is so hostile to me that i have to ignore scathing comments because there is just no appropriate reply. i'll eat the bad-guy role sometimes just to keep the peace. i *understand* his hostility, but then why does he pop around sometimes??? i guess he's ambivalent. asked me to go to a movie tonight...... i really don't even feel like getting in the shower. in fact i might crawl back into bed soon. who knows.

dinner at my grandmother's house last night. depressing. we buried my grandfather in august. hardest weekend of my life. first x-mas without him. i miss him. i feel like a misfit around my family. they are all about the nice houses in the suburbs and knowing the right people, great jobs, appearances. i can understand feeling like a black sheep when you're a teenager with a mohawk. but i'm 32 now, own my own business, support myself comfortably, ask for nothing from anyone (unlike some other family members) and still get viewed as a reject. my uncle asks my mom "when i'm going to give this up and get a real job". well at least i have a job - what about my cousin who is 28 and basically unemployed for over a year..... i have no idea who pays his rent but i can make some guesses. but somehow he more accepted than i am because he looks "normal" and kisses the right ass and has friends they approve of. i hate the double standards. i hate that males are automatically more respected even if the female is the better person. why would i want a 3 bedroom home in some PLAN in the suburbs?!? why would i want to sit outside all summer watching my kids run & play while gossiping with the neighbor-doctor's wife??? why am i WEIRD or abnormal just because i am an individual? how am i such a *loser* when it's MY gifts the kids are playing with at the end of the night? why isn't quality REALLY better than quantity? why can't there be more INDIVIDUALISTIC public role models? why is there only one janeanne garofolo (sp?) for every 40 jennifer annistons??? why do they praise the boring and cliche and criticize the risk-taker??? why is there only one smart, independent, film for every 60 big-budget pieces of crap? and why do people PREFER to watch the big-budget pieces of crap??? why are pop band/puppets making millions when BAD RELIGION can hardly get recognized for having intimidatingly brilliant lyrics? why would i want to follow the simpleton herd????? my mother says that if you are intelligent and strong-minded you will be ignored and belittled simply because you are a threat. in middle-america's terms i guess it's the equivalent of voting the strongest person off the island...... jesus, i can't believe i just made reference to survivor. and i've never even WATCHED a single episode. see how they still manage to reach you despite your best efforts to avoid the mainstream?!?!! scary.

- borntokill x

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