2002-12-29 + 3:22 p.m.

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feeling very alienated right now. kind of displaced... does that make any sense??? well i worked so much throughout the entire months of november/december; that's all i did! period. so now the holidays are over and i am trying to go back to "normal" and i just feel really, really, out-of-place. it's like noone really misses you if you're not around...... and you really only figure that out WHEN YOU'RE NOT AROUND. i guess my ex has a new band, with his new girlfriend. isn't that lovely? and i guess their first show was friday night. not that any single one of my friends could have told me that. i found out from one of my customers who clearly has no idea he is my ex! funny how that works out, that's the exact same way i found out he has a new girlfriend. from a random customer. it feels pretty shitty that not one person can tell you these things. what i mean it that it feels pretty shitty that not one single person cares enough about you to know that you would want to know these things. i mean, todd was telling me a few weeks ago that i should go to this show, right, that the erotics are really great, right...... but he couldn't even *mention* the fact that jim's band was playing too????? how could that seem INCIDENTAL??? so whether it is irrational or not, i just feel like i'm totally not part of any *loop* anymore. i just feel really, really, unimportant, and it sucks, and i don't have any idea how it got to be that way.

- borntokill x

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