June 01, 2003 + 2:03 am
listening to: silence.
currently reading: the picture of dorian gray - oscar wilde
cake or death? cake, maybe pound cake. with strawberries & whipped cream...........

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oh boy oh boy oh boy. i have big problems. i'm terrified that i might be manic//depressive. is that the same thing as bi-polar? how would one know, if one were, manic/depressive???

i see the ads on tv for bi-polar disorder meds, and they're like...... one minute you feel on top of the world, and then other times you are too weak to get out of bed. and, well, that's me. *unless* and i'm hoping this is the case, maybe the horrible horrible depression i went thru all the past year just...... lifted. i don't know. how would i know? all i can say is that the past few days i have felt really great. i mean really, just, great! and that is not like me. at all. you have no freakin' idea. today in the store i was in such a good mood. i wasn't stressed out and on the verge of tears. i felt (daresay) attractive. for the first time in a while. i wasn't a big fucking crank. i didn't have to lock the door to go have a cry in the bathroom. and business SUCKED today!! i *should* have been pissed off and angry. i just don't know. i feel like a normal human being again. furthermore, i feel like a CATCH again. i can't fucking belive it.

i mean how does all your self-esteem just rush right back in? does that happen? for the first time in a YEAR AND A HALF i'm not bothered by the jim thing. i'm not questioning myself. i mean i could very well tumble into a panic attack if i had to see him or something, but just this past week....... it hasn't *bothered* me. that is a very good thing.

- borntokill x

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