July 01, 2003 + 10:11 pm
listening to: government issue.
currently reading: atonement - ian mcewan.
cake or death? death please.

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ahhhhhhhh here we go again. my life sucks so bad it's really just unbelievable. it's like it *should* be downright humorous, maybe if i watched this shit play out in a film, but it's not too fuckin funny when the worst things just always seem to keep happening to you.

so i got away last week. i got to go to the beach! and my ghastly pale irish mashed potato skin is now oddly brown, even though i had no intentions of it getting that way. it just looks..... strange. oh well, different is good. also i dyed my hair back to blue-black, after easily 2 years of varying combinations of black, pink, and red, so i really guess i have a whole different look. i'm on this "preppy" kick lately, which is funny considering i've been into punk rock since the early 80's. but i'm into this rich-bitch preppy look, like starched white shirts with black sweaters and nautical stuff and i am obssessed with BURBERRY plaid. it's kind of fun! i'm just SO FUCKING BORED with punk-rockabilly. probably because i sit and watch all the girls parade through my stoer in costumes every day and they all look the same and for once i would just like to see someone with personal style instead of just wearing all the same shit everyone else does. who knows. anyway, the beach was sooooooooo relaxing. i got up around 9 every day. i jumped rope to cocksparrer & agent orange for 45 minutes every morning. i discovered this is ONE HELL of a workout, and it was especially fun doing it up on the observation deck which was both shaded and breezy. if only my life could be that way on a daily basis. i think i am going to seek out a rich guy. fuck trying to find love. it seems it will never happen anyway. i spent hours on those low mesh chairs at the edge of the ocean, reading. i drank more guinness, corona with lemon, and mike's hard tea than one probably should. it was great. i was so relaxed and daresay - frivolous and giddy - on my first night there, i called the guy i decided i have a mild crush on, and left a message saying i wanted to take him over to get his tattoo (i just gave him a friends business card and a recommendation a few weeks ago) when i get back..... which is pretty nervy, for ME. i would never have done that here at home, even though he gave me his phone number quite some time ago. see? we played phone tag and got to talk for just a few minutes mid-week but he hasn't called me back since my last message on friday am (today being tuesday) so knowing my luck he probably has no interest back. guys are so dumb.

as for my kitty, i ended up taking the lil guy to his vet, and boarding him for the week. bad idea. i must have the most spoiled, pampered, mamas-boy this side of the mississippi because he was so *difficult* that he wouldn't let anyone come near his cage. yep, for 9 full days he hissed and howled and lunged at anyone who tried to get into his cage. the vet tech said it was nearly impossible to give him his insulin shots....... and they ended up having to cover his cage with a towel so the poor guy was basically stuck in complete isolation for 9 days. i feel like such an unfit mother. i promised him in the car ride home that i would never, ever board him again. he's still acting a little funny, hiding in weird spots in my room. maybe he's mad at me.

so i get home from the beach sunday night after a 6 hour drive..... it's around midnight, and i am none to happy to be back in this shitty city. i wanted to stay at the beach with my grandmother all summer. i felt like a normal person there, i was productive, actually had time to work out, felt healthy, ate well, had FUN, acted like a goofball, and even get up the nerve to called this guy i've had a crush on since the holidays. then i get back here and it's like all the stress comes rolling back in, and i realize that even though i bitch all the freakin time that i hate my life........... it puts it in a much greater perspective when you pull away from it for a week. my friend beth wrote me in am email about a month ago, that "there are bigger and better things for you" and i agree. nothing is ever going to happen in this beat fucking city. this city has died, all the scenesters are getting old or have MOVED, it's totally bankrupt, nobody is gainfully employed, and i sit and wonder why my store is failing. i am really going to look into a move to either boston or portland/seattle for next year.

so anyway, i was getting to: i pull up, park my car, and pull my luggage out of the trunk. i glance over at my '54 (1954 ford mainline, flat black with flames that is) and see that someone has taken a fucking baseball bat to the rear window. it is splintered. spiderwebbed. destroyed. welcome home.

my life sucks.

- borntokill x

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