September 02, 2003 + 11:09 pm

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time for another stupid fukkin entry. my mind is so fucking polluted lately i have to come here to clear it. i don't know what i want. i wish i knew. i suppose i kind of ended it with michael the other day. i was pretty much bitchy to him all weekend. i pretty much just blew him off to hang out with my old friends.......... the cheats played thursday with the epoxies, wow, was that a realllllly fun show. i told michael i would come over to see him afterwards - he works literally at the bar across the street. but instead i let my friend josh drag me by the hand up the street, somewhere else, where everyone went after the show. and we all drank till closing. i didn't even call michael. that's pretty fucking shitty. but well, not really, i mean i'm entitled to a fun night out on my own. he knows i needed it... what the hell is wrong with that?? but well i also gave my number to someone, a friend of todd's. but it wasn't like: hey baby, here's my number give me a call sometime so we can go out and fuck....... it was like hey my neighbors are having this party tomorrow night, and, oh! really? you know them? you were at their last party?? well here's my number, if you show up and i'm not there call me i live right next door. but still............. i didn't have to accept his number in return.

so move forward to the next night. michael's band is playing. it's a major fucking night that he has spent months getting together. i tell him i will be down, probably late, probably just in time for his set & last call. well i don't show up. i end up hanging out with todd again, matt, (the dude i gave my number to), and some old friends from the piercing & tattoo shop who come to the parties to pass out stickers & literature and shit. there's like 200 people in this warehouse, right next door to my house, and i know a shitload of them from shopping in my store. and i end up REALIZING that i like hanging out with my old friends. i LIKE to take everything on a more casual level. i DON'T WANT A FUCKING BOYFRIEND. i really don't. i am so stressed out about my store that i don't want to talk about it with michael all the time. i want to hang out with people and HAVE FUN goddamnit!!!!! i *want* to flirt with the cute cop who asks me for my number and not feel bad about it. and i feel so fucking BAD as a result.

so michael and i talk on sunday for the first time in days. we don't talk, actually. civilized people *talk*. we argued. we yelled at each other. we were like the catholics vs. the protestants: even thoughhhhh there is no *valid* reason to fightttttt, i was hellbent on it. neither one of us is wrong, we just have different outlooks. it was the first time we fought, ever. in 2 months!! i told him i can't handle the way everything makes me feel....... i have heart palpitations from stress all teh time. i wake up in the middle of the night, DRENCHED, with severe chest pains. i have too much on my mind to worry about a relationship. my store is hanging by a thread and he doesn't even understand. so he goes, well then maybe you should close the fucking doors. so i hung up on him and threw the phone across the room. what a brat i am! i haven't hung up the phone on someone in years!! so i whip the phone across the room, start fucking crying, go upstairs, take two vicodin, and sleep for the ressssssst of the day.

and you know what? i feel better for the first time in a month. the store still sucks, my life still sucks. but i feel like that one weight has been lifted. plus i can talk to the cute cop if he decides to call me again ;)

edit: i dunno, i just walked away from this entry and i feel really shitty. i feel like a big mega bitch. i don't like how i'm acting lately. i have never been so totally thoughtless towards someone i am dating...... and i didn't even reveal *everything* about my crazy weekend. what is wrong with me??!? i still think it's that mid-life-crisis thing. i'm not treating him fairly. i know i shouldn't be with him because honestly my eye has been elsewhere a lot lately, not just with the one boy who i gave my number to. i was sizing up someone else at the party on friday...... i dragged him over here to my house to do shots with me. even though nothing happened. but i have a horrible little secret also that i can't even reveal here; it's that bad. AND I PRIDE MYSELF ON HAVING THE WORD INTEGRITY TATTOOED ON THE BACK OF MY NECK. i'm not acting like one with the highest integrity lately. well, i mean, it's not really as bad as it sounds.... i never once ever told michael that i wanted to move up to the level that he wants to be at. he should have felt me tugging away at all times; he just chose to ignore it. this really needs to be over.

- borntokill x

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