January 08, 2005 + 11:47 pm

---

well. i'm back. i just looked; my last entry was october 2003. *not* 2004, but 2003. jeez, where the fuck did all that time go? i've peeked in here every once in a very blue moon, butmost of my old diaryland girls have been missing as well. or they're password protected now. and what fun is that?? i mean i guess i really don't want anyone i know reading my entries, but hey, that's the risk you take i suppose. who really cares anyway. i just come here to vent. if i don't get this shit out of my head it will drive me insane. because when you get right down to it i have noone to talk to. i mean, sure. i have friends to talk to. but you know what. they have to be so fucking sick of only hearing negativity streaming out of my mouth. there's never anything positive to say. so i prettty much stay away from everyone now.

i found myself sitting on my bed 2 days ago with a revolver in my hand. and i realized the only motivation i have to stick around is my new kitty. i love him so much i can't leave him. as dumb as it sounds, i found this lil guy in my backyard in october, he was so tiny - 6 weeks old - and solid black. i coaxed him out from behind the fence, and when i finally picked him up he crawled up my shirt sleeve and just sat there against my forearm like a long lump under the fabric...... and it's been a love affair ever since. my ex came upstairs in to my bedroom about 2 months ago and i was sitting there holding him with tears welling up in my eyes. he leaned in worried and said, what's wrong???? and i said, nothing, i just love this little kitten so much, and started crying. it's like every ounce of human emotion in my body is all focused directly on 5 pounds of fuzzy black cat. it's not that i couldn't find someone to take care of my cats if i off myself, but i actually just love this lil guy so much that i don't want to leave him. and i feel responsible for *his* life, since i took him in. so there's that. i read k***' diary (only 2 entries though - i'll have to go fill myself in when i find some time...) and i'm so relieved to see that i'm not the only one totally losing my shit lately......... crying on a whim, raging temper on a whim. me too. so happy to see a familiar *face* here still. hi k***!! i called my doctor later that night, to finally make the appointment i've been too scared to make for like FOUR YEARS now. i desperately need anti-depressants, or anti-anxiety meds, or anti-SOMETHING pills, because i'm telling you right now i can't go on living like this. i want to be happy & caring & outgoing. i want to wake up in the morning and look forward to my day instead of just rolling over and going back to sleep for 2 more hours. i want to enjoy things again. i want to go out to shows, make plans with people that i actually keep. i want to meet friends for lunch. i want to get another business started. i want to travel. i want a meaningful relationship. and right now i have so much anxiety i can barely leave my house. i just want to feel like a *normal* person.

fucking saturday night live is a repeat again. now what the hell am i going to do all night.

- borntokill x

<<< before :: after >>>