February 08, 2003 + 1:21 pm
listening to: $wingin utter$
currently reading: kill kill faster faster - joel rose.
mood: sick.

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man, have i been a right fuckin' slacker this past week. the whole week just *flew* by, and i really can't even tell you a single thing i did. i STILL have the worst pms in the world; it's been going on for so long now any other girl would be putting on sunglasses and a scarf and going out to buy home pregnancy tests........ but for me there's absolutely no reason to be scared. that is just laughable, it's been so long since i've been with anybody. sad but true. ok, see, i've always been one of those girls who ALWAYS has a boyfriend. serial monogomy. date a guy for a year, break up. single for 2 months. date another guy for 10 months. repeat. well i have been single for a YEAR AND A HALF now. isn't that just the strangest thing?!? can you hardly believe it?? i can't.

ok, so i am freely admitting that my ex really fucked me up. that was honestly the first time the guy walked away from me (the audacity!) in like 10 years. really! it sucked. it *still* sucks. i *still* wish i knew why. and i haven't had much interest in getting involved with anyone ever again. i don't even get that spark, that little involuntary thing that comes over you sometimes if you talk to someone you think is kinda hot. it's like everything in me is just switched off. i have never felt this flat before. i'm telling you right now it's gonna have to be one hell of a fucking spectacualar guy to get me to try it again. i was just thinking the other day that this will be the first valentine's day i'm gonna spend alone in........ years. even last year, though technically single, my ex started coming around again. and calling me, etc... and he asked me to dinner for v-day. why? i don't know. just to fuck with my head even further. there was a period of a couple of months that we hung out, did stuff with his daughter.... we were friends. he spent the night a lot. but nothing ever happened. and then there was the breaking point when i finally asked him what was going on. where this was heading. why he called all the time and took me out to movies, but that was it. and then it was right back to the "it just didn't work out/i'm sorry/i can't make a realtionship work" bullshit. well he HAD to like me to start coming around again, right? how can someone just be so.... broken??? fuck.

so there is actually only ~one~ guy in this city i have an eye on, and he doesn't even know i exist. how do you even hook up with someone these days? i'm too out of practice. i never even go out anymore so the bar-hookup-thing isn't going to happen. he comes into my store once in a blue moon, and we have a cool conversation but it's like nothing beyond that. i don't know. when you're so ANTI-relationships you just end up not exuding anything sexual or flirtatious. it's hard to explain. the self esteem issue i have conjured up in the past year from my ex abandoning me (twice!) and my store coming close to failing is crippling. i'm so *sick* of working so fucking hard, trying so hard to be perfect, to be the best, and not getting any recognition from anyone. but instead getting flat-out fucking rejected. every time someone comes in the store and doesn't buy a thing, i've started to take it personally. it's like - i kill myself to make this work and keep it going despite the fact that i have not truly shown a profit in a year and there isn't one single thing you want here anyway??? why should i continue? and a whole year of that. a whole year of being 20% - 30% down in sales. fuck. weeks and weeks of shitty days. that was january. i work soooooo hard, to fail. now i just feel so damaged that noone would want to be with me anyway.

- borntokill x

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