February 09, 2003 + 6:57 pm
listening to: richard hell.
currently reading: kill kill faster faster - joel rose.
mood: giddy.

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when did i become so fucking lame????

i hate it. i hate how sappy and self-pitying i've become. it's not me. i feel sooooooo far removed from the person i used to be. snap out of it, for chrissakes!!! fuck jim in the mouth for making me feel so fucking bad about myself.

ok, things i gotta start doing again. no exceptions, no matter how much "i don't ~feel~ like it":

1. work out at the VERY LEAST every other day. no more sitting around, waiting for the weather to break until i start running again....... christ, by then i'll be so fucking out of shape i'll barely make it round the corner.

2. get up WHEN the alarm goes off, no more hitting snooze for 45 minutes and rolling into work in a baseball hat. how the fuck did i get so lazy anyway???

3. pick a guy, any guy. i am gonna target someone and get him...... just to prove to myself that i can. it's really not normal to spend the amount of time alone that i do. even if it is by choice, it's not normal.

4. maybe *try* to get dressed up for work again, just once in a while? for no reason. remember there was a time that i joked about not even owning a pair of jeans......... what the hell happened??

anyway, on a better note, i had a great fucking day today. and anyone who ~knows~ me knows that it's been a while since i've said that. i went to the department store to return an x-mas gift (yeah, i know it's february) and ended up with this store credit slip. well i don't *shop* in department stores. hell, that was the first time i've even been to a mall in like 2 years!! so i've got to spend this thing. well i ended up with a new keyring, it's just the sweetest thing ever..... it's COACH and it's PINK and it's LEATHER and it's heart shaped. it's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. well, alright, i exaggerate. but it's NOT from my store meaning three of my other friends are NOT going to have the same/similar one. i'm gonna try to find a little teeny black skull & crossbones patch to put in the center.

then i wander over to the underpants department and ev-ery-thing is on sale so i stocked up. i end up with (i *loathe* that i supported tommy fucking hilfiger but on sale for $1.99 i couldn't pass up a few......) cute lil cotton thong pants with hula girls all over (who knew!) and lil girlie pink & white stripey ones, then i spot these kick-ass sheer red tartan with black lace trim AND black & grey plaid low rise thongs..... they even had the same patterns in the boy-leg pants!! so i grabbed 'em all. who wouldn't!! man, they're cool. i think i even gasped when i saw them, i couldn't believe some lame middle aged department store buyer could have such kewl taste! of course they were on clearance.... noone there but me would want them. at that price i should have bought a few extras for the punk rock/skinhead girls on ebay.

well, in conclusion, maybe it's true that shopping is therapeutic, it sure boosted my mood! now i'm gonna go clean out my entire dresser and get rid of all the shit i don't wear.

- borntokill x

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