March 01, 2003 + 10:07 pm
listening to: silence.
currently reading: kill kill faster faster - joel rose.
cake or death? death.

---

i am so fucking depressed this is just ridiculous. i don't even know what to do, really. it just seems like absolutely nobody cares anyway. it's almost like, what's the point. why do we try? what is the outcome anyway? will there evere be a day that i am happy to be alive? what's the point in even *trying* to feel better, if nodoby cares about you. why would it matter if i felt shitty & miserable, or if i felt great........... if i just hate everyone and want to be alone all the time anyway. i was oddly starting to feel pretty good the last couple weeks, but now i'm right back to feeling like hell.

i watched igby goes down the other night. i wasn't sure at the start if i liked it or not...... i thought it was kind of slow paced, and maybe a bit affected. but about halfway through i started to love it --- so much so that i actually watched it straight through again, with the directors commentary on. i have never sat through an entire commentary part of a dvd before, it seems so pointless and self-indulgent on the directors part. some of the reviews i read said it was like a "catcher in the rye" for the ultra-priveleged; that igby was like a bratty, disaffected version of holden. but i loved it. it was like drowning in a sea of fucked up characters and realizing that you can't entirely help who you are destined to become. i wonder how i turned out the way i am. i don't really even like myself much these days...... i mean i adore the person i *can* be, i am proud of my drive, and my intelligence, and my ethics....... but i really truly hate the depressing person i project. it's like a complete secret that i'm actually this really great person inside, and i will probably never let anyone know that ever again. it's so much easier to be a bitch and keep everyone at their distance. i can't imagine ever dating anyone again. i can't imagine going through all that getting-to-know-each-other-shite just for it not to work out with time anyway.

i wonder why we all go through the motions every day. i am at the point that i hate even getting out of bed anymore. i LOATHE the same routine every day. i am sick of showering, toweling off..... walking in the same pattern through my bedroom while i brush my teeth. trying to get a brush through my wet hair (it's a struggle every morning), standing under the fucking blowdryer for 20 minutes. putting on the same makeup, sitting on the edge of the bed pulling socks on, EVERY SINGLE DAY. coming downstairs. feeding the cat. sitting at the kitchen table and putting on lipstick. the same drive to work. the same fucking parking, then turning on all the lights. the first annoying phone ring of the day. it;s just THE SAME FUCKING THING, over and over and over and over and over. and i hate it. and i really would rather not wake up at all, then wake up and have to do this routine again and again and again for the rest of my life.

i wish there was assisted suicide in pennsylvania.

- borntokill x

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