March 07, 2003 + 6:28 pm
listening to: ACDC.
currently reading: kill the poor - joel rose.
cake or death? death would be lovely.

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i just read a quote that i had to get down, so i can come back to it someday long after i remember i even read this book. one of the characters claimed "the bottom fell out of his life." which pretty much sums up the way i have been feeling for over a year now. all the fucked up phases i've been going through, of feeling depressed, and sad, and broke, and unappreciated, and lonely, and failure, and boredom, and anti-social, and irritated, and questioning........... etc etc etc. it's because the bottom just fell right out. and you know what the icing on the cake is??? having your best friend send you an email saying she is worried about you. after a YEAR AND A HALF of being pretty much suicidal, she *now* realizes there might actually be something WRONG. don't get me wrong, i appreciate the gesture and all, but it makes me feel like she hasn't been listening to a single word i've been saying..... since jim dumped me & gave me a huge self-esteem issue, and the store started to fail miserably. both events starting (with such predictable timing in my world of miserable, wretched, horrible luck) the week of the 9-11 attacks....... and yes, it really has been just straight down one long hill ever since. every month in here gets worse, with february being the lowest month i have had in 4 years. but she doesn't think i should be AS DOWN ABOUT THINGS AS I AM. i have never felt so misunderstood.

the way i see it i either will come back around or i won't. the store will pick up or it won't. i will meet a guy who makes it seem worthwhile to try again or i won't. i haven't decided what the timetable is on this yet; for now i am just trying to get by one day at a time with as little inconvenience & iriitation as humanly possible.

- borntokill x

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