May 21, 2003 + 6:11 pm
listening to: the cramps new one....
currently reading: the picture of dorian gray - oscar wilde
cake or death? death would be a relief.

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holy hell. i haven't been here in ages. my life has just been full of cobwebs, not much of interest to bother writing about. it's always just the same stupid SHIT anyway. i guess i had a sort of nervous breakdown, or maybe it was a mid life crisis. hard to say. it seems like simply because of my age it qualifies as a mid-life crisis. but wait! i don't wanna live to be 64!!! i'm still not 100% better but i did wake up today feeling like ~maybe i could get through this one. it's 6:30 now. it hasn't been so bad.

i don't even know the date of my last entry. i would have to look it up. i guess everything and nothing has happened. i wrecked my new convertible. i contacted a guy i dated in 1992 (the one you refer to as the love of your life) to find that he is still a complete stunner, after all this time has all the same interests that i do, and has even been to my online store and loved it. hmmmm. the bad news is he's married with 2 kids. sigh. i guess that's all part of the mid-life crisis. i never thought at this age my life would be the way it is. i can't for the life of me understand why despite working so hard and being such a good fuckin girl i am still just so lonely. it's as if i reached some point last year where i stopped and said, hey, if this is all there is i don't wanna do it anymore. really. i kid you not. i'm going to try to be back around here with some regularity again; it seemed to help to get some of the stress out even if it's just writing it all here. it's sad that you truly have noone to talk to so you turn to diaryland. i've given up trying to *talk* to people. nobody listens anyway. your best friends reply to your problems with "oh that sucks". like, me: "i'm so depressed i haven't gone into work in two days and i think i would honest to god just rather be dead" your friend: "oh, i know, me too. life sucks." or, me: "business is so bad that i can't even afford to go to the grocery store and i'm re-using my cat's insulin needles" friend: "i know...... i'm like totally broke too" it's like nevermind. i don't want this to be a volley, and i feel like you're dismissing me. i just really need for someone to listen, and hear me, and maybe try to offer some ADVICE for once. you know, try to put themselves in my shoes like i do when other people tell me their shit!!! well, maybe i'll even dust off the old template and start back with something new & fresh!! yeah right.

- borntokill x

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