June 16, 2003 + 11:05 pm
listening to: the vibrators.
currently reading: cranked up really high.
cake or death? cake.

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well i went out saturday night, which broke records left and right. i haven't gone out since february!!! todd even thanked me on stage for blowing the dust off and coming out to the show. i can't believe i used to go out several times a week, ASIDE from bartending and therefore spending just about every weekend night at the bar for over 2-3 years. jeez. i just feel so *old* now or something. eh. todd & steve came into the store sat. afternoon and pretty much talked me into it. standardly when people ask me if i'm going to such-n-such show, it's always like, no way, man, i'm totally broke. so todd goes come on, we'll put you on the list and buy you a beer or two so you really have no fucking excuse not to show up. i appreciate that he was trying to get me out and around friends. i needed it...... so, i did! i almost chickened out on the drive over just because i felt so weird about it; it's like i get a case of the nerves for no reason just simply from spending so much time alone. and there's always that chance that my ex will be there. and then what??? i know i will have to run in to him eventually, and i think about what i will say all the time. part of me just wants to say hello, and how are you, and how is your daughter.......... but then part of me wants to tell him to go get fucked, or throw my drink in his face (how fun would that be), or if he asks how i am, be like, why the fuck do you want to know?? you haven't cared how i was for a year. you don't have to pretend to now just because i'm standing in front of you. (can you tell i'm still a lil angry?)

so luckily todd was standing out front when i walked up so everything was cool and i didn't have to walk in alone. i had the most fun i've ever had in my life. what a weird night. most of the band is now single and it was like the room was filled with ex girlfriends. at least it made me feel better to know that other people have to deal with the same stupid bullshit. there will always be exes, and they will always make you feel uncomfortable and pissed off.

the opening band was from cleveland, cool guys and a really fun set. todd threw back shots on stage and wailed his empty shotglasses at the wall. TWICE, they started to play BORN TO KILL, and fucked up so badly they just ended their set and walked off stage. everyone was wasted, laughing, and having a blast. and even houston took his shirt off. graceful as ever, i fell, scraping my knee and tearing a hole in my jeans. one of the guys from the opening band passed out at todd's house and peed his pants. we were still sitting outside drinking when the sun came up. i threw up nothing but beer, orange juice, jagermeister, and an orange starburst. what a fun night.......... and for a fleeting minute i considered asking one of my friends out, until i realized he is already seeing somebody. i had no idea. what a sly dog. i'm glad i didn't ask! i'm too scared of rejection anyway. funny how every asshole in the world can give me their phone number or come around the store bearing gifts of coffee and whatnot. but i can't even ask a friend out to dinner or a movie at the drive in or just something stupid like that, thinking he will be like ewww. oh my god. i don't like her like *that*. i'm really a case.

- borntokill x

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