August 09, 2003 + 3:37 pm
listening to: toy dolls.
currently reading: esquire magazine (hey, colin farrell is on the cover...)
cake or death? cake.

---

good god i am so fucking tired. last night at the bar was busy as fucking hellllllllll but it was fun and good to see loads of old people i haven't seen in a while. THE CHEATS have that old school 70's style white denim and skinny tie DIRTNAP RECORDS sound that i love......... and it was a great fucking night for everyone. plus i *think* folks were erring on the generous side of tipping because it was like i was in for a guest-bartending stint. $201. for 4 hours of work suits me just fine. and that's after tipping out the doorman. i doubt tonight will be nearly as good but it will be fun; good psycho-charged punk-rockabilly madness from detroit and the boys already emailed me here at the store at te beginning of the week to be sure i had a flyer up in the window (they remembered being in the store when they played here last year) so i know they're at least doing their long-distance promotion homework. my fucking ex was in the bar last night (who the hell wasn't) and i actually even had to serve him. i haven't even caught one fleeting glimpse of him in 13 months and as much as i loathe to admit it i was working pretty seamlessly and having fun behind the bar until i saw that he was there. i tried to stay at the other end of the bar and let sara get to him but ultimately i couldn't really avoid him like i wished i could and just ended up taking his order like an efficient bartender. it was weird. he sort of smiled, like, heyyyyy, surprised to see you working here again. maybe? and i just acknowledged his order, simultaneously the guys next to him, (to deflect the attention) and just got him his two fucking rolling rocks. it definitely threw me off for a couple minutes, though. that anxiety that you try to cover up but really your hands are shaking and you fumble when you try to open the cooler and hope that nobody can actually tell that you are flustered. ugh. what was goign through his mind?? does he even care?? how can he not miss me?? how can he just go on with his stupid life without me?? i can't believe that feelings can just *change* like that. 2 years later and i can't rest not knowing the exact point when his feelings changed. that's what i need to know.

i don't know what i'm doing with michael. even though things have been going reallllllly well. it's just this past week i feel so overloaded. i've been wanting to discuss it with him but there has been no time to breathe. no free time at all. the only "free time" we will have is tonight after we both get out of work at 2:30 and we'll stay at his place and then tomorrow he'll be up & out the door by noon. and i will end up focusing on sex because it so effectively pulls all the weight off emotion. i always do that. he's just so bloody nice it borders on maddening. stop being so nice to me!!! i scream in my head. stop thinking of me all the time!!! he is always doing thoughtful things, and trying to lighten my day because he knows how upsetting this store can be to me. but i am feeling almost suffocated, like i didn't mean to jump into a full-time relationship. i don't want to be everything to anybody right now. i have nothing left over to give. i want to cut my hours with him back to part-time, maybe just work weekends? take a pay cut? i don't know. i can't even work out exactly what i am thinking. which is why i am fucking rambling here........ all i know is that it's not *good* when there is this fucking adorable little punk rock boy who shops in my store and we always talk and he goes on about how cool it is that i keep this thing going all by myself and how much he supports me and tells his friends about the store and says FUCK HOT TOPIC THEY SUCK....... and he's at the bar last night (i didn't even think he was legal drinking age) all cute with his mohawk charged straight up and the sides done blond & brown leopard print and he has the sweetest little baby face and you just want to have a mad passionate quick fling with him and leave some awesome impression on him as that cool older chick that he'll still think about in 5 or 10 years. just call me mrs. robinson. and all i can think when he's still leaning on the bar trying to talk to me at quarter past 2 is that i wish i were *dead single* and i could leave and go hang out with him. knowing that it would be nothing serious. even though i truly am not a promiscuous girl.......... it's just like i want the polar opposite of serious right now. i want fun and innocent and wistful. not heavy and engagement rings and long-term. but the last thing i want to do is hurt someone's feelings. why is this suddenly a problem for me? maybe because this thing with michael just crept up on me? maybe because i am an unloving, cold-hearted, empty shell of a girl who only made one exception, once, ever, with jim, and he destroyed me. maybe i would really rather just push everyone away and then sit back and wonder why i'm so alone.

- borntokill x

<<< before :: after >>>